For many years, I have worked in the IT industry. Much of that was
low-level tech support.
I will reveal unto you the secret ways of dealing with Tech Support.
Get a notepad and pencil.
Do all the things the techs always want you to do first, such as:
reboot the computer, empty the recycle bin, run scandisk, run defrag, run
your antivirus program. Write all this stuff down.Call tech support.
Immediately ask for the tech’s name, tech ID# (if she has one), and a
callback number. Don’t go any farther until you have SOME WAY of reaching
her “if you get disconnected” (which really means some way of harassing
her if she fails to fix your problem). Write this down.Explain in detail your problem, and explain that you’ve done all the
stuff in #2.If she fixes it, great. Write down what she did. If you get:
some lame half-workaround that doesn’t work;
or any variation thereof;
or the idiot tells you that you might have a virus (there’s really a 2%
chance that you’ll ever get a virus, regardless of what McCaffee wants you
to believe);
or the idiot DARES to tell you that you should format your harddrive or
reinstall Windows;
…proceed to:
- ESCALATION. That’s the phrase that pays. It strikes fear in the hearts
of dimwitted techs. You must say it with cold dripping menace.
“No, I don’t think a format will be needed. Please escalate this call to
a higher-level technician. Right now.”
If they do so, that’s great. Go back to Step 5, get the 2nd level
tech’s info, and continue. Repeat until needed.Some techs are either too new or too stupid to understand the pain you
can and will cause them, and will try to block you from reaching a higher
level technician. Be sweet, but venomous, and explain that if they don’t
escalate you, they will have to spend a LOT more time dealing with you.
Explain in veiled terms that they are the captives, and you are their
master, and that you will call them every hour on the hour every day for
the next month and force them to undergo a complete
reinstall/format/scandisk/whatever is most tedious and time-consuming
EVERY TIME until they get so SICK of hearing your voice that they lance
their eardrums with sharpened pencils.
Some low-level techs just won’t learn, so be prepared to do this. Once you
have a tech’s callback number, you have them by the glottus. Squeeze hard.
If you’re dialing an 800#, remember gleefully that you’re costing the
company money by calling. It helps to remind the tech that, too.
I find the most intimidating tactic is to treat the techs like a slightly
retarded sibling. When you call back the second time, talk to them by
first name. It helps to write down things you learn about their
personalities, so that you can bludgeon them with it later.
“Hey Al, how’s it going? Did that yeast infection ever clear up?”
Ad lib a little.
Ask about the weather.
Ask about their parents/kids/wife.
Remember, every minute they’re on the phone with you is another minute
they can’t look up porn on their office PCs.
- Parallel to this, you should ask to be transferred to the Billing
Department. Get the Billing person’s info, and write it down. NICELY
explain the problem, and explain that this isn’t the kind of service you
expected, and that you are deeply disappointed, and how everyone you know
was PLANNING on changing over to this provider, but now you just don’t
feel that you can recommend them, blablabla. Eventually they’ll offer you
a month free. Snap it up.
Repeat this call for EVERY call you make to tech support that pertains to
this particular problem. Obviously, if your computer’s a piece of junk,
you won’t be able to justify more than three months’ free service, but if
their software/servers/technicians are glitchy, they should cough up some
cash.
- Every time you get escalated up a level, be sure to write down that
person’s number. The next time you call, ask to be transferred to that
person’s extension. Eventually you’ll reach someone who is smart enough to
either fix your problem, or smart enough to pass you off to someone who
can.
Following these steps should get you fast results when dealing with tech
support. I learned them the hard way; I bought a Packard-Bell 486 in 1995,
which promptly blew up four months later. I stayed on hold with PB tech
support for about 8 hours a day, sleeping to the hold music, for about
four weeks. I figure I cost them in phone charges what my computer cost
me. I eventually got a replacement PB, but it died about 9 months later.