I’ve seen (and been slightly nauseated by) about four movies in the last two months. Each and every one has been preceded by a wretched abomination of a trailer featuring that noxiously cute little vermin, Hallie Kate Eisenberg. No, you don’t understand. Every movie I’ve wanted to see in the last two months has been proceeded by this roachlike bucktoothed little whelp, pathetically lipsynching to some unknown Western movie “star”. I hate this kid. Really.

And that’s why God made this site: because He loves me. Even though He wants me dead.