Emergency Services

Operator: “[Apartment complex] Emergency Services, how may I help you?”

Me: “Yeah… I’ve got an emergency.”

Operator: “Ok?”

Me: “Well, the front gate to the apartment complex isn’t working and it’s locked a lot of people out. This happens once a week.”

Operator: “I’ll page someone out right away.”

Me: “That’s not really the emergency.”

Operator: “Oh.. ok?”

Me: “This is kind of embarassing..”

Operator: “Go ahead.. ”

Me: “I just drank a huge bottle of water and .. well.. I really have to pee.”

Operator: “Uhh… ”

Me: “I really have to pee. Like now.”

Operator: “Well, sir, maybe you could wait until the repair person–”

Me: “–No, this is an emergency, which is why I called you.”

Operator: “Oh, well, I –”

Me: “What’s your name?”

Operator: “Uhh it’s Ellen.”

Me: “Ok, good, Ellen, I was wondering if you could recommend any good place for me to go?”

Operator: “Oh no, I don’t think I could –”

Me: “If you thought it’d be ok for me to just go over by this tree here, I could go, and if anyone asked I’d just say that you said it’d be ok.”

Operator: “No, no! I don’t –”

Me: “Ok well what about sorta around the side of the building?”

Operator: “I uhh..”

Me: “Look, Ellen, I’m seriously damaging my bladder here. I’m dying.”

Operator: “I’m terribly–”

Me: “Well since this gate locks up once a week, don’t you guys have a procedure for handling emergencies like this?”

Operator: “Sir, I’m so sorry, but I just..”

Me: [grunting] “Ok I’ve got to go right now!”

I put the cellphone down on the sidewalk, and pour a thin stream of water out of my water bottle onto the pavement.

Operator: “Oh my.. oh, sir.. I –”

Me: “Ok, well, emergency’s over now. Thanks, Ellen. And when the repair guy gets here, see if you can get him to clean up the puddle. Bye!”