Me: I wanna merkin. I can use it as an eyepatch.

Laura: Hopefully not a used one.

Me: Sure, it’d look like i had a furry labia on my eye.

Me: But I think it’d be a fashion statement.

Laura: “Gee, there’s something fishy about this eye patch…”

Me: *winces*

Last night, as I was leaving the Marietta Diner, I saw the coolest car ever: a 1980 Rolls Royce Silver Shadow II. It was gloss black and shiny chrome, packed full of geeks (it’s hard to miss the Mozilla ‘Hack’ t-shirt), and had a “LINUX” license plate on the front.

Even better? Laura said she’d buy me one for Christmas. YEE!!

More holiday gift ideas: Possum-fur Nipple Warmers.

Because Laura is the best girlfriend ever [and also because she had free press passes], she took me to see a sneak preview of a highly-anticipated yet-to-be-released movie!

Quick review: I’d say it’s better than the first movie, because it’s much darker, and the monster scenes should cause some irreparable psychological trauma to unsuspecting children everywhere.

Wow.LiquidMetal Technologies has developed a metal alloy that is harder than steel or titanium but that, when heated to 750F, melts to an amorphous tar than can be molded like plastic.

Watch out, John Connor!

A while back, I had an idea about how to keep thieves from stealing my CD player: Craptastic Faceplates (R)(TM).

The Craptastic Faceplate would look just like the front of an old beat-up 8-track player, a Radio Shack AM/FM-only receiver, or best of all, a Sparkomatic tape deck with one knob missing. They would be completely non-functional, but would fit the faceplate slots for most high-end car stereos. That way you could easily swap out the real faceplate with the decoy when you had to park your car in some unsavory neighborhood [like where Robert lives].

This holiday season, buy your loved one something that shows you really care about her [or him].

In case anyone has trouble with PayPal, here’s a list of contact information for the company:

PayPal’s toll free number is (888) 221-1161

Another toll free number is (800) 836-1859

Yet another toll free number is (877)672-9725

Their NEW regular telephone number is: (650) 864-8000

Their regular phone number is: (650) 251-1100

Their fax number is: (650) 251-1101

Their mailing address is:

PayPal

P.O. Box 45950

Omaha, NE 68145

Their corporate offices are at:

I am here to Eat Brains!

It’s hard to be an addict.

While on vacation a few weeks ago, I signed up for an AOL dialup account so that Laura and I could suckle from the Internet’s great digital teat. Since I no longer need the account, I decided to cancel it today. This should’ve been easy. Instead, it’s very similar to cancelling a membership to a nation-wide gym.

First, it is quite impossible to find any customer-service contact number via their external website, www.aol.com. I suppose they never planned on people having alternate connectivity. I actually had to ask someone who used AOL to locate the number for the Cancellation Hotline, which in turn was very well-hidden.